Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
