i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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