I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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