we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
