: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
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His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
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how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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