she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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