you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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