Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
