I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
