Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
