I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
