I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
either way he was missing a nipple.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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