I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
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Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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