I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
