hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
birth control should be required to get into college
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
