I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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