i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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