Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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