His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
