so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
