I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
