God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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