Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
