capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
