I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I am naked and annoyed.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
