Tell her she can't have a vagina
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
