There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
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"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
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What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
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