Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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