I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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