I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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