i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
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Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
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I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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