just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
