Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
