tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
