The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
