Don't make out with my wife yet
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
