I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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