Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
