I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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