How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I came so hard my ears popped.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
