I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I supernannyed him into submission
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
