my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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