this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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