You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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