I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
