You surviving the open bar?
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Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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