I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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