about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize