you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
