whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
