I faked an abortion last night.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
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