Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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