Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
