I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
