why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
even my farts smell like vagina
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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