I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
