if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So vagazzling was a success
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You ruined the universe
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
