So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
