apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
