I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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