I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
