And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
