I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
